Have A Nice Day, Part Deux

Some people use an egg timer. Others use a watch. The other day, after being put on hold for the fifth time in eight hours, in an attempt to make an appointment for a doctor’s visit through my alleged health care provider, I decided to use my porn site as a crude timing device. It was a two and a half minute vid of ‘Extremely hot French wife stripping and making love’.

As would be expected, and in spite of my painfully slow DSL connection, the porn downloaded before someone answered the phone.

“Hello, I need to make an appointment for an exam’

“I need your name and account number” (she was sporting a huge amount of expressively delightful boredom lack of concern suppressed rage apathy unknown emotion)

After giving her the info, as well as my fucking birth date, social, address and penis girth dimensions, I was told, again as blandly as baby food for a diabetic, “Sir, you are not in our system.”

SIR, YOU ARE NOT IN OUR SYSTEM. Please remember those words, as they have resonated in my universe with such force that you too, will feel a keen sense of rage about my healthcare provider, even though you have no idea who or where they are located. Even people in China hate my healthcare provider, okay?

Oh, and did you know that jerking off is a great remedy for NOT BEING IN OUR SYSTEM? It is, because at least the porn site lets me finish something.

Didn’t I Just See This Movie?

‘Ray’ ‘Walk The Line’ is a movie about the struggles of black white musician, Ray Charles Johnny Cash. Especially moving were scenes where he attempts to overcome his addiction to heroin amphetamines and side pussy.

Decidedly, Ray’s Johnny’s wife does not approve of his shenanigans and threatens to divorce him leaves him with the kids.

Eventually, Ray’s Johnny’s musical genius helps to overcome all obstacles and lives his remaining years as a blind burnt out celebrity, performing duets with James Taylor Bob Dylan.

So, How Bad Could A Mangina Taste?

Hey, are those tits real?

I’d Hit That!! [I Love You, Google :)]

Apparently, saying you’re ‘420 friendly’ is only for Craigslist posters, but not for the big ballers over at Yahoo? Yep, the only ideal match this babe is looking for is at the end of a blunt.

Protip: Guys, when looking over her profile, you will find that her interests do not include Spell Checking and Getting a GED.

Does We Has Match? Yess!!

While this blog has morphed into a place for me to vent on my own dating mishaps (or lack there of), it doesn’t keep me from doing the occasional good deed. I think I hooked up these two love birds and I don’t even want to hear about a thank you, okay?

MYFIRSTDATE: A Photo Essay

Wow! I just registered on this awesome dating site ten minutes ago and already I have a message. This is exciting!!

Alright! Boy, is she HOT. I better come up with a really good answer. Kinda nervous….

I mean, come on. How in the fuck am I going to date this broad, anyway?

I guess I over reached. Too needy, maybe? I should explain myself, maybe tell her how I feel about things…

Oh, boy, this is tough….really hate the waiting……but it is coming from China. Does that actually take longer?

Okay, here we go…………

Wow, she’s pretty touchy about her name…..

Maybe not so much……….

But at least she’s hot. I mean look at her picture- and she says she’s ‘curvy, baby’ (how is it that SHE can use the word ‘baby’ but I can’t? hmmmm… )  Anyway, she’s from a place called Guangdong - how can a place that has the word ‘dong’ in it be bad???????

Wait, she’s got more pics……

Hey, WTF?? Her primary pic was taken, like when Mao ran the place. No shit. She’s gotta be at least sixty three years old. This is scamworthy. No wonder she only has a 29% quality rating. Forget it. I’m going back to POF!!!

Come On, Dude. He’s Your Guide Dog, For Chrissakes!

I found the following piece of news somewhere on the web. Of course, it’s true. Moreover, it’s beyond sad. It’s the stuff comedy is made of.  Let me set up the scenario for you, if I might. Blind guy, named Alan Yoder, is walking around with his trusty guide dog, Sparky. For the uninformed, a typical guide dog costs around twenty grand and takes a couple of years to train. So these are not pound puppies we’re talking about. So Al is walking with his dog, you know, goes to Wal Mart, picks up a tube of KY jelly, some condoms, box of Milk bones. The usual stuff.

He goes home and FUCKS THE SHIT OUT OF SPARKY.

Oh, and one more thing: he got arrested for doing this, but since the State Of Florida has NO STATUTES MAKING FUCKING YOUR PET ILLEGAL,  he got off with a misdemeanor/disorderly. To make matters worse, the “authorities” let Al take Sparky home with him, SO HE COULD ANAL RAPE THE DOG AGAIN AND AGAIN, FOREVER. Hey Al, you may be blind, and maybe a tad bitter, but you shouldn’t take it out on your poor guide dog. One day he’ll just let you walk into that plate glass window, or let you drop down that open manhole. OOPs!!

I think the dolphins at the Seaquarium need to cover their blow holes, lol…….

Man charged with having intercourse with his Guide Dog

Florida, like many other states, has no bestiality statute - that is, a law specifically prohibiting sexual contact between humans and animals.

So Alan Yoder, 29, originally was charged with felony animal cruelty, but court records show that charge was dropped last Friday and replaced with a misdemeanor - disorderly conduct.  Yoder now is charged with a “breach of the peace, by engaging in sexual activity with a guide dog,” according to a court document.

Yoder allegedly admitted having sex with his guide dog:

Investigators spoke to Yoder on June 16, who admitted performing certain sex acts with the dog, even going into detail with them, but denied doing others. He was arrested and booked June 22, charged with animal cruelty.

Under Florida law, Yoder may be required to get psychological evaluation, but it is not clear if the courts might removethe abused animal from him, since he uses the animal as a mobility aid.

Thanks for sharing, internets!

TM

Charlie Chaplin Wasn’t The Only Beat Up Old Tramp

So, been lurking on several dating sites and decided to go all the way and troll around for a bit to see what bites. Wow. There is one particular web site filled with all kinds of female-like-food-products. I had to start bleaching my eyes out after four intense days of looking through painful profile after profile.

Here is my best of. I am sure there is more where this came from, but we have just so much room on the server.

1. Psycho Hippy Woman Mid-Meno (she claimed that 113 men had put her profile on their favorites list)

ME: Hey there.
I’m curious. If over a hundred men put you on their favorites list, have you gone out with any of them, or are you still looking? If they didn’t cut it, why not?

HER: All very good questions. I have not met anyone in real life from the internet. I made a decision to make contact in real life when opportunities arose and not to really try this site as my first choice. I have not chosen one of these men because I am not exactly what they were looking for I assumed. I outchose myself. Sort of.

ME: Okay, I’ll bite. What were they looking for that was so in opposition to your profile, etc?

HER : I dont want to tax the mind.I dont tax my own life and I dont want to tax it. In my heart I am already totally rich.I dont require earthly type feel goods. I appreciate upmost peace and quiet time. I like to rest my body and my mind and I have that. But I dont have the diversion of a partner and I have come to realize that I will meet him only in the real outside world so this has becoame apast time for me bedause I am at home alone so much. I like to not have to speak my mind.I like to not have to excuse or explain myself.I am only
difficult if living outside the box is difficult to appreciate.I dislike cages that cage. I adore a good kennel tho. I go because I want to . I have a home so to wander off in search of anothers comfort would have to really appeal to me I would have to feel
that there was some good strokes in it for me to wander that far.I hope this answers your questions. i probably shouldnt be on here but I am.

ME: WTF?????????????? (William F. Burroughs could not have cut and pasted something like that in all his years of writing)

2. No Photo, Mid Fifties Double-Fatty-Fugly With No Picture
(I had written something in my profile about lurve)

HER EMAIL SUBJECT: What does lurve mean?

HER message: I am also pretty literate but I do (sic) know this term.
I do horse sports. Must go feed the beasts now. Photo available maybe.

ME: Sorry, No Pic, No Dic. AND, you canot kunsurkt a sentnce!! Btw, what beasts are you feeding? Mayhaps urself? Horse Penis available, maybe.

3. Gender Ambiguous It-Thing

See the pic and judge for yourself. ‘Nuff said!!

4. Renfaires? We don’ Need no stinking Renfaires!

Her Profile: Hello everyone, I am a single woman looking for friends to go places and do things with.
I’m into renfaires, performing, playing music, laughing and enjoying life.

Me: Hey darlin’. Listen, I think too much ‘renfairing’ can be a bad thing. Why not try
‘dietfairing’ instead?
_______________________________

More to come, unless I catch the fever over at Fling and throw down for a little Spitzer-esque escort action.

Later.

The Monk

Overheard At A Waffle House

The following was overheard at a Waffle House, which for those new to this, is a fantastic breakfast/greasy spoon joint, which serves up a mammoth double patty melts with glorious sides of smothered and covered hash browns, etc.

This was a conversation between two older black dudes and an older heavy set white
dude wearing a Vietnam Vets baseball cap, who was eating with them. Phonetics used to enhance the whole bi-racial experience and to properly illustrate the local vernacular. If you think this is racist, then you probably need to get a new hobby.

Black man 1: Hey, what the difference between a restorent and a cafay?

Black man 2: I dunno. maybe like the differnce tween a saloon and a tavern.

Black man 1: mo’ like a difference between a cafoteria and a cafay. I know that one. Like Morrison’s, when they was in business. If they serve rice, they is a cafeteria. Cafay don’t serve rice.

Black man 2: Yes they do. How you know they don’t?

Black man 1:Cuz I do.

Black man 1: Look. a restorent serve rice. Rice and beans. and greens. Ain’t no cafay serve greens.

Black man 2: Aint no difference tween a tavern and a saloon.

Fat white man: No, no you got it all wrong. The difference between a fucking restaurant and a cafe is that the menu is shorter. that’s all. It has a shorter goddam menu.

Black man 1: No that aint right.

Black man 2: Yea, he’s right.

Fat white man: I’m fucking telling you, a cafe has a shorter menu than a restaurant. End of scene.

Black man 1: What ’bout a cafoteria? I know they serve rice.

Fat white man: What the fuck does rice have to do with it being a restaurant or a cafe?

black man 1: No. what I’m sayin is that they serve rice in a cafoteria, so why not in a cafay?

White man: How the fuck should I know?

Black man 1: Dunno. All I know is I like my womens just like my coffee: hot and white!

Then all three of them laughed for a couple of minutes while I blew orange juice out through my nose!

Excerpt From My New Novella, ‘Mitzi and The Mishuggas’

“I stood there, inspecting her huge tits, which were staring back at me like two alien noses. All I could think of was to ask her, albeit absentmindedly, before we made love in the back seat of my Prius:

‘Do you have any IEDs?’

Not that she was a Muslim or even of Arab descent. I had just been on line for twelve hours reading every article on the war and I blah, blah, …………………………………….. “