DivorceSlam ‘07: Did She Just Put Him In A Double Suplex?

Well, huge in the ‘celeb’ news this week is the break up, after 24 years, of Terry ‘Clearwater Hulk Hogan’ Bollea and his old, sort of milfy wife, Linda. She filed for divorce and he couldn’t care less. (speaking of which, I was once corrected when using that phrase,’couldn’t care less’ by the local grammar nazi, a still actively menopausal hippie lady who works at the local feed store. She told me that I should be saying ‘could care less’ because ‘couldn’t care less’ means that you could not care, hence, a sort of double negative which would actually mean that you actually cared. Understanding that I was dealing with a person to whom ’sarcasm’ and ‘irony’ were total strangers, I told her to go fuck herself. She promptly validated me for not saying the word ‘you’ before ‘go fuck yourself ‘, as that was understood.)

Why am I writing about this? Because my wife of 28 years (I lasted four more years than Hogan, even with all of his money! Way To Go!) had, just like Mrs. Hogan, decided to ‘take a vacation’ this year.

I wanted to see how my breakup looked compared to the Hulkster’s, figuring I might have the edge over this guy, for no reason in particular, other than I need to win at something these days. So, I took copious notes and came up with the following, including a very sophisticated scoring system:

1. My wife left me a ‘note’ painfully explaining how having sex with me was ‘worse than getting deep cleaned on all four quadrants’ and that I shouldn’t stalk her. Hulk’s wife didn’t even leave him a note. He found out through a reporter, then tells the newsies, “Thank you for the great information,” (I really think he was being sarcastic there , no?) followed by “My wife has been in California for about three weeks. … Holy smokes,” which blows me away that he just holy smoked that one like he just found out that his dog had developed a light case of diarrhea. How can that be good? The Hulk got slammed into the turnbuckles on that one. Hulk=1 point, Me= 3 points.

2. My wife wants me to pay all of her credit card bills and won’t push for the alimony because she knows I can’t pay more than twenty five bucks a month. Hulk’s wife wants an ‘unspecified amount’ of alimony and child support. For what? Going to LA to bang her hairdresser? Don’t let her get away with it, brother. Just hang steady and throw a chair at her attorney. Hulk=0 points, Me = 1 point

3. I live in Florida, the ‘you can only schtup me for half of everything’ state. So does Hulk. The difference here is that with me, half of nothing is still nothing. With Hulk, it’s half of a huge estate, including ten million in property. (I wonder- does she get half of his ‘roid stash?)  Hulk = minus four million, tetrazillion points, Me = 2 points

4. When I first found out my wife left me, I got really upset and called everybody on speed dial and talked serious shit for about a week. I may even have cried like a psychotic little homo a few times.

But Hulk? All Hulk had to do (check out the pythons, pleeeze!) was :

then go to the gym, do a couple of reps, drink a Red Bull and get ready for SlamFest ‘08, where he can take it out on Razor Ramon, Yokozuna and Rowdy Roddy Piper’s enlarged prostate in a four way grudge match and collect another huge check!

Me? The best I could do was call my wife’s lawyer a schmuck. Tapping out, yo.