Maybe They Should Let Their Patients In On The Joke….

Bitter? No. But I Am A Little Acrimonious, Alienated, Antagonistic, Begrudging, Biting, Bitter, Caustic, Crabby, Embittered, Hateful, Morose, Rancorous, Resentful, Sardonic, Severe, Sore, Sour, Stinging, Sullen, Virulent and Vitriolic.

Having more than enough time on my hands lately, I decided to do something stupid and do one of those ‘where are your old friends’ searches online.

No, not the kind you pay for. Just the Google stuff. Having found out that if you put the name of the person in quotes, you don’t get four billion hits for ‘Joe Blow’, I was ready to find out what happened to the people I used to hang out with.

I figured, maybe I’d find one or two people who had made something of themselves and the rest would be latex salesmen, pushcart guys, dead porn stars or something like that. Reason being whenever I Google my own name, I always get some other guy who is successful that isn’t me. It is a form of internets self abuse that has become a regular thing around my house.

I was wrong. Here is a depressing short list of some people I knew and what happened to them, with added commentary.

1. Paul – Is a very influential lawyer in DC. Probably gets loads of side pussy and can pay for it from petty cash.

2. Gary – Became a CPA and now owns his own international company. Yea, well, his wife was a douche.

3. Dave – Got his Phd and runs a not for profit to help at risk kids. Hey, I smoked dope with this guy!

4. Rob – Became a world class surgeon. Honestly, the guy was a little nervous when I knew him and dropped things a lot…………

5. Mark – Followed his passion and became a professional Contract Bridge player. Just so you know, he was an asshole when he lost.

6. Dawn – Big-time interior designer who owns her own firm and does work for some of the biggest hotels in the world. Yea, well she lied on her resume!

I had seen enough. Need to rest up for a day or two so that I can Google some of the other guys I new, like that nerd Albert Arnold.

Wow! He Invented The Internet AND The West Coast Offense!

I am not usually a conspiracy theorist, but this is probably worth at least a paranoid moment or two.

Please take a look at these three faces and tell me they are not the same person. Oh, you might want to say they’re three different people, but in your heart of hearts, you know that only Bob Einstein could have invented these three personalities.

Most of us know that Super Dave Osborne is Einstein’s insane, daredevil from watching Letterman a million years ago. But did you know that he also created the persona known as ‘Al Gore’? ‘Gore’s’ quotes are classic Bob Einstein, including “Speaking from my own religious tradition in this Christmas season, 2,000 years ago a homeless woman gave birth to a homeless child in a manger because the inn was full.”

The other guy, ‘Norv’,well, he ‘coached’ (note sarcasm) the Redskins while ‘Gore/Super Dave’ was ‘Vice President’ (note sarcasm again). How convenient for him, never having to leave town when he had home games.

And now, well, all three are on the West Coast, which makes it easy for Ol’ Bob to be ‘Super Dave’, then switch personas without too much traveling. Look, he just has to swing down to San Diego for a little ‘Norv’, then hop back to Hollywood to be either ‘Super Dave’ or ‘Al Gore’, since ‘Al’ is spending his time sucking up to the H-Wood elite.

Don’t believe me? Then how do you explain the fact that the three of them have never been seen together? Ever!

Disclaimer: I took a few minutes to think about what I had written here and couldn’t really figure out what the conspiracy part was, so that became pretty much a downer for me. I will, however, continue researching on the internets for any other clues as to what this guy is conspiring about.