Charlie Chaplin Wasn’t The Only Beat Up Old Tramp

So, been lurking on several dating sites and decided to go all the way and troll around for a bit to see what bites. Wow. There is one particular web site filled with all kinds of female-like-food-products. I had to start bleaching my eyes out after four intense days of looking through painful profile after profile.

Here is my best of. I am sure there is more where this came from, but we have just so much room on the server.

1. Psycho Hippy Woman Mid-Meno (she claimed that 113 men had put her profile on their favorites list)

ME: Hey there.
I’m curious. If over a hundred men put you on their favorites list, have you gone out with any of them, or are you still looking? If they didn’t cut it, why not?

HER: All very good questions. I have not met anyone in real life from the internet. I made a decision to make contact in real life when opportunities arose and not to really try this site as my first choice. I have not chosen one of these men because I am not exactly what they were looking for I assumed. I outchose myself. Sort of.

ME: Okay, I’ll bite. What were they looking for that was so in opposition to your profile, etc?

HER : I dont want to tax the mind.I dont tax my own life and I dont want to tax it. In my heart I am already totally rich.I dont require earthly type feel goods. I appreciate upmost peace and quiet time. I like to rest my body and my mind and I have that. But I dont have the diversion of a partner and I have come to realize that I will meet him only in the real outside world so this has becoame apast time for me bedause I am at home alone so much. I like to not have to speak my mind.I like to not have to excuse or explain myself.I am only
difficult if living outside the box is difficult to appreciate.I dislike cages that cage. I adore a good kennel tho. I go because I want to . I have a home so to wander off in search of anothers comfort would have to really appeal to me I would have to feel
that there was some good strokes in it for me to wander that far.I hope this answers your questions. i probably shouldnt be on here but I am.

ME: WTF?????????????? (William F. Burroughs could not have cut and pasted something like that in all his years of writing)

2. No Photo, Mid Fifties Double-Fatty-Fugly With No Picture
(I had written something in my profile about lurve)

HER EMAIL SUBJECT: What does lurve mean?

HER message: I am also pretty literate but I do (sic) know this term.
I do horse sports. Must go feed the beasts now. Photo available maybe.

ME: Sorry, No Pic, No Dic. AND, you canot kunsurkt a sentnce!! Btw, what beasts are you feeding? Mayhaps urself? Horse Penis available, maybe.

3. Gender Ambiguous It-Thing

See the pic and judge for yourself. ‘Nuff said!!

4. Renfaires? We don’ Need no stinking Renfaires!

Her Profile: Hello everyone, I am a single woman looking for friends to go places and do things with.
I’m into renfaires, performing, playing music, laughing and enjoying life.

Me: Hey darlin’. Listen, I think too much ‘renfairing’ can be a bad thing. Why not try
‘dietfairing’ instead?
_______________________________

More to come, unless I catch the fever over at Fling and throw down for a little Spitzer-esque escort action.

Later.

The Monk

Overheard At A Waffle House

The following was overheard at a Waffle House, which for those new to this, is a fantastic breakfast/greasy spoon joint, which serves up a mammoth double patty melts with glorious sides of smothered and covered hash browns, etc.

This was a conversation between two older black dudes and an older heavy set white
dude wearing a Vietnam Vets baseball cap, who was eating with them. Phonetics used to enhance the whole bi-racial experience and to properly illustrate the local vernacular. If you think this is racist, then you probably need to get a new hobby.

Black man 1: Hey, what the difference between a restorent and a cafay?

Black man 2: I dunno. maybe like the differnce tween a saloon and a tavern.

Black man 1: mo’ like a difference between a cafoteria and a cafay. I know that one. Like Morrison’s, when they was in business. If they serve rice, they is a cafeteria. Cafay don’t serve rice.

Black man 2: Yes they do. How you know they don’t?

Black man 1:Cuz I do.

Black man 1: Look. a restorent serve rice. Rice and beans. and greens. Ain’t no cafay serve greens.

Black man 2: Aint no difference tween a tavern and a saloon.

Fat white man: No, no you got it all wrong. The difference between a fucking restaurant and a cafe is that the menu is shorter. that’s all. It has a shorter goddam menu.

Black man 1: No that aint right.

Black man 2: Yea, he’s right.

Fat white man: I’m fucking telling you, a cafe has a shorter menu than a restaurant. End of scene.

Black man 1: What ’bout a cafoteria? I know they serve rice.

Fat white man: What the fuck does rice have to do with it being a restaurant or a cafe?

black man 1: No. what I’m sayin is that they serve rice in a cafoteria, so why not in a cafay?

White man: How the fuck should I know?

Black man 1: Dunno. All I know is I like my womens just like my coffee: hot and white!

Then all three of them laughed for a couple of minutes while I blew orange juice out through my nose!

Excerpt From My New Novella, ‘Mitzi and The Mishuggas’

“I stood there, inspecting her huge tits, which were staring back at me like two alien noses. All I could think of was to ask her, albeit absentmindedly, before we made love in the back seat of my Prius:

‘Do you have any IEDs?’

Not that she was a Muslim or even of Arab descent. I had just been on line for twelve hours reading every article on the war and I blah, blah, …………………………………….. “

I Am For Sudent Writes

Hey, just found this while taking a break from trolling gay porn web boards.

If you Google the word ’sudents’, you will get no less than 80,000 hits. These are awesome articles, where dummies forgot to hit the ‘t’ keystroke on a word that has everything to do with the subject of the article. These are not made up.

Here a some favorites of mine:

1. Depression Among College Sudents On The Rise – Yea, if you couldn’t spell worth a fuck, you’d be depressed too. See also this post.

2. National Fellowships For Minority Sudents -Neuroscience – Okay, you don’t have to be a brain surgeon to spell……….oh, wait, YOU ARE BRAIN SURGEONS!!!!!!!!!! (Use of lol and OMG omitted here as too much hyperbole can lead to lolllllz and lulz, etc)

3. Shakespeare Textbook For Amateur Actors and Sudents – ‘”Bevity is the soul of wit”.

4. Tutoring Services – What Can Sudents Expect From Tutoring? – Well, for starters they can expect a total lack of spell checking.

5. This is my personal favorite, although I crapped out after only five pages of this bullshit. Who knows what else I would have found. Oh, the irony.

Practice Applications And Forms For Literacy Sudents

Here’s the link if you don’t believe me!

http://learnwithlucy.com/literacypractice.htm

So, now I’m going to add my post to the hit list and maybe, if enough people get involved, this half man-half word will be added to the pantheon of misspelled words at

http://www.yourdictionary.com/library/misspelled.html   .

Let us hope so, dear gd.

Monk