Dear ‘Big Three’,
Uh, first, let me say that I thought the term ‘Big Three’ meant cocaine, heroin and LSD. Did you guys know that?
Now, onto the business of my open letter. You want money, because you think that staying in business is good for America and the world. Here are a few things you need to know:
1. Your product is a piece of shit, collectively. That means Ford, Chrysler and GM all produce garbage that is engineered to last about four years per unit. Actually, some of the parts are engineered to last even less. You have been making pieces of shit since, uh, probably 1957. You have not changed your basic design or improved dramatically on the quality of your product since then and it shows. Look, go to a junk yard and count the NON TOTALLED American cars laying around and then count the NON TOTALLED import cars laying around and you will see what I mean. Before you receive any money, you need to admit this as fact number one.
2. Wait, you are paying your senior employees seventy bucks an hour? Let’s see, that comes to $2800 dollars a week, before taxes. Are you fucking kidding me? What employee, who puts nuts on bolts, is worth that? You, collectively, are idiots as a managing body and should be fired just for allowing that to happen. Remember, item #1 is that your product is a piece of shit, so paying that much money to employees and PASSING IT ON TO THE CONSUMER is almost criminal. No, wait, it IS CRIMINAL.
3. You, as CEOs, went to Congress and cried like a bunch of five year olds about how you need the money NOW and that you are only trying to save JOBS and THE ECONOMY and THE DEALERSHIPS. Let me tell you, in case you’ve forgotten: YOU ARE IN BUSINESS TO PROVIDE A HIGH QUALITY FINISHED PRODUCT TO THE CONSUMER AT A COMPETITIVE PRICE. You are not in business to support fat-assed UAW workers. You are not in business to save the criminal dealerships who charge seventy bucks for an oil change and FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS FOR AN OUTSIDE REAR VIEW MIRROR. You are not in business to ’save the economy’, whatever the fuck that means. This is why your product sucks the cock. Because you have no idea what your product is. Go back to item #1.
4. Personally, I owned only import vehicles from 1969 until 2000, when I purchased a Dodge Ram. Piece of shit. Then, I was told that GM products are sooooooooooooooo much better. I bought a Chevy truck. Also a piece of shit. I learned my lesson. Now I drive a Toyota and have had zero problems in over two years. Listen, if Toyota ever needs a few bucks, I’d be happy to lend it to them. At least they hooked me up with something I can drive without it falling apart.
5. But if you must, must borrow some money from the taxpayers who you have been ripping off for almost a century, here is the scenario that I propose: That the three of you assholes sit in a small, sadly painted office with no windows for about forty minutes, listening to ‘cool jazz and smooth vocals’ piped in, while the Senator or Congressman goes off to ‘talk with his manager’ for ten minutes. Then, he will come back in and tell you that your loan was disapproved for what you wanted, but if you throw in a down payment, he’ll see what he can do. FUCK YOU!
Peace,
The Tybeshan Monk
